I'm Listening...

Thank you to those of you who replied to my last post. It was a bit of self-indulgent whining brought about by self-loathing. I've gained at least 10 pounds since June--hell, I've gained 30 pounds in three years--and it's playing hell with my confidence. None of my clothes fit me right anymore, and I keep thinking back to how fat I was in high school, and conversely, how skinny I was in college, even before I got on the Jenny Crank diet. I wish I had a scanner so you all could see pictures of me from my junior year of h.s. Nobody can believe how big I was back then, and no matter how down I get on myself for the weight I've gained in the last couple of years, I'm still half the size I was at 16. Then again, I'm twice the size I was while strung out on meth. It's no wonder I have self-image issues.

Before I bought my car, I had a membership at the Y. While I didn't necessarily like working out three times a week, I enjoyed how it made me feel, and how it was shaping my body. Then I bought the car and had to drop my membership for financial reasons. All of the tone I had developed melted away, and I became rather apathetic. Since I lost my job at Fabric Supply, I've become nearly sedentary during the day. At least there, I was running up and down the stairs at least 20 times a day, or running around the warehouse to pull orders for walk-in customers. Here, I sit. And stare at a computer. The farthest I have to walk is just through the kitchen if I have to use the bathroom. So that change in my life resulted in me gaining a couple of extra pounds. Then there was the episode of Drunken Rachel breaking her foot and spraining her ankle in the process. When you can't really walk at all because your foot and ankle are swollen to three and a half times their normal size, moving anywhere beyond the couch suddenly loses all its appeal. I was laid up for a good two weeks before I even tried to venture out of the house beyond going to the doctor and the pharmacy. Even after the first two weeks, it was hard to get around, so I still didn't really leave the house. Right after that, I got sick with some flu-like virus, thus putting me out of commission for another week.

Throughout all of these events, I was dealing with massive depression problems. I was put on Paxil, then had to stop because I couldn't afford it after losing my job. Anti-depressants are notorious for having weight gain as one of their most common side effects. So not only do I have all the other factors contributing to my expanding waist line, but I also eat alot more when I'm depressed. I think it's a carry-over habit from my teenage years, when eating brought some sense of fulfillment. Then I'd feel guilty over pigging out, and eat some more. And it was a vicious cycle. I noticed it started happening again, the worst of it was right before I started on the Wellbutrin.

I've finally hit a point in which I am so disgusted with my seemingly endless weight gain that I am going to do something about it. Since I can't afford a gym membership, I'm stuck with working out at home. Kris and I have been taking walks a few times a week, and the nights that he's been in class the last couple of weeks I've spent doing some yoga and pilates stretches. Nothing too strenuous, and not with any of the tapes I have, because I hate the exercise videos that I own. You never know how much they suck until you try them out a couple of times. So anyway, today I bought a couple of Denise Austin dvd's. One is a dance-type workout that is all-inclusive (cardio, weight training, and stretching), and the other uses one of those elastic band thingees. I figure I can alternate them, that way I won't get too bored or burned out on either of them. Throughout all of this, Kris has been totally supportive, and says that I'm beautiful and that he loves the way I look. I've always had a hard time believing that, but it's been especially hard these last couple of months.

I figure with all of the other "healthy lifestyle choices" I've been trying to implement over the last couple of weeks (quitting smoking, eating more fruit and veggies, less junkfood, etc.), dedicating myself to working out every night might as well be one of them. It's the only way I'll start losing weight, and I've always tried to live by the philosophy of "shit or get off the pot," meaning don't bitch about something if you're not going to make the effort to change it. I sure as hell won't lose any weight by sitting here in front of the computer and whining about it. Yay for being pro-active.